Baron von Elon

So I accidentally became the kind of person who has a chauffeur. His name is Baron von Elon. He works 24/7, never sleeps, never complains, has zero attitude, requires no benefits, no insurance, and doesn’t even try to talk to me about crypto. Total annual salary: $1,188. Honestly feels illegal. My Model Y has about 3,500 miles on it, and the Baron has personally driven roughly 3,100 of those. I’d rate his driving a solid 9/10. He loses one point because he occasionally treats speed bumps like they insulted his ancestors. I’m not saying he has a speed bump fetish, but he hits them like a SpaceX booster re entering the atmosphere. My coffee now travels with emotional support. Traffic used to ruin my day. Now I just sit there like minor royalty while the Baron handles the peasant labor. Long highway drives? Easy. Complex intersections? He already knows which lane to be in like he read the script ahead of time. Unexpected side effect: my wife stopped driving at night years ago because of glare and reflections. Now she’s out running errands after dark like a teenager who just got her license back. Turns out confidence increases dramatically when your driver has perfect night vision and zero fear of mortality. Downsides: You will start judging other cars for not having their own Baron. You will forget how stressful driving used to be. Your beverages will develop trust issues around speed bumps. Overall, highly recommend if you can afford the extravagant $99/month lifestyle. Just secure your coffee before impact 😜